Am so sad. So down. How can a state of depression last so fucking long? I cannot get out of this funk. I cannot see any light at the end of this dark tunnel. I wish.... I had some way of feeling better. I have been this sad for months now. I have short periods, as in minutes or hours where I at least do not feel like breaking down in sobs. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I wish there was something I could about this. When I went back to meetings after my last relaps I just did not feel IT. I remember listening to people talk about this very thing in  meetings and thinking to myself, "fucking who cares this is what is going to save your life." I now understand what they ment. Fuck it maybe I'll make it through another long and lonly night. I just wish I had someone to talk to. Anyone. Wilson is not talking to me today. He actually is being an asshole and won't listen either.

day seven
        I awoke with dread again this morning. There are a couple of reasons i can think of. 

#1.   Today it is the seventh day without drinkin or using. I have the shakes pretty bad. 
#2.    it is my lov es birthday. She has stopped all communication with me. It is prolly for the best. But it hurts more than anything. She was my best friend for over 4 yrs. I feel like I have lost my two best friends in a week. Drinking and the reality that I have lost her. It probably more of a co-dependant thing I have with her but....... it still hurts like hell.
#3.    I really really just wanna get bombed so i can just let lose. I wanna let out some RAGE. I fear if I keep it in i will turn the rage on to myself.... I am doing my best not to drink cos no matter what i think now i know i do not want to face the consequences of a drunken rage. I am not big, or bad, but when I get drunk in this state of mind I am mean ande that makes me dangerious. to myself and those who come into contact with me.

                                                    if there is anyone there I need to hear from please i am alone and scared to death

Nemoian
Current mood: rejected
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Nemoian is a God. Never be fooled by false gods. If you ever have the chance to know her, then you will know what i mean. If you betray her you will know what true emptiness is. When She leaves, there is a huge void that is not easily filled. When she is near, you can feel an energy that is rivaled by none. I speak from the heart when I say she is the most special and wounderful soul in the universe. I forever will be greatful for the time I had with her, only regreting that I pushed her away, as if she were a mere mortal that is easily replaced. Ther is none on this planet that can ever replace this amazing individual. So please if you ever have a chance to share in her life, even if just for a fleeting moment, cherrish it and do not be a fool. Love her with all you have, Love Her for all she is, for if you do not you too will be left empty. For you Nemoian, are worth much more than I or most people can ever give.

think i have lost it. my thoughts were hazy and confusing i wasn't sure about much. Now I am sure. If I do not get help soon then it will be to late. Why do ppl ask, "how are you?" they don't gove a fuck. I really would like just once to go into how I feel to a total stranger while looking into their face as i do. 
          "How's it goin?"simpleton would ask.

            "Well fuckface if you really would like to know you had better clear any plans you had for the day. Oh and if I start getting a little animated please do not be frightened." I mean it never ceases to amaze me how someone could actually think they could care.I mean get to know me. You won't like me no one does. Shit I don't even like me.  
running out of time here om the pubic comp. so maby I"ll check back in later.

I awoke today...
     felt as if I were still dreaming. Should have been dead. I guess my tolerance to the pain killers is much higher than I thought. Talked to LORA sunday. It went well. My son and Her talked for an hour or so on the phone. It was good. I talked for a while with her also. It FELT good. She had "company" show up so I said I should prolly go. She agreed. "But I really don't want to hang up," I pleaded. In the softest, sweetest and most sincer voice she simply said, "tomorrow is a new day."
     My heart was sad but hopes were high. I went to bed that night and felt peaceful. I drifted off to paradise. She was there, so lovely, so warm and welcoming, I floated into her arms, floated with her off to somewhere in time befor our love was tainted. Befor I brought the scourge of the devil into our live, our house and into my heart. Drifted away. 

       I woke with pain in my heart. Tears stung my eyes befor I could even open them to the reality of the world to which I awoke. That moment of realisation, my heart sank so fast I got sick, Tears, sobs and vomit. My reality. Immedatly I went to my only friend. The only one still here. Here for me to KILL THE PAIN!!!! The trade off is great. To imprison my pain I must also imprison my soul, imprison my dreams, imprision my chance of moving on this I know. I just cannot muster the strength it takes to face reality as it is. I simply want to drift off into a deep and eternal sleep. So deep and eternal, to paradise. Yet I know what will happen. 
      The DEVIL has had me for so long he wont let me simply drift into a peaceful dream. No he will be there every step reminding me of what I lost, of what I destroyed of her life without me. How great it must be for her. Don't get me wrong I love her so deeply, so completely so eternally that I am happy she is happy, Just that I cannot move on. I cannot be stuck here either. This is not what life is supposed to be. it has been 5 months since she left, There is still not a day that I do not cry over this void that is slowly encompassing my everything.
                                                                    So I'll Go on. Trying to simply to make it one more day. I am told it will get better.
                                                                                     not so sure of that. It has been a while without hope
                                                                                                          been a while without laughter
                                                                                                                   without happiness 
                                                                                                                        without faith
                                                                                                                          without her
                                                                                                                             I die