jonnynotsogood

lucky # 13

2008-05-07T20:37:49Z

Today is the thirteenth day of being totaly sober. I had a real rough night last night. My ex of 4 years finally responded to my messaging. It was nice. Kinda like that first drink is nice befor the madness returns. I messaged her again today she responded. Then it was back to old shit. Painful the past is. Very much pain. I am seeing this girl i used to go to school with. I had a crush on back then but never had the nerve. Thanks to myspace we have been communicating for a couple of weeks. We met last weekend and had a good time. Our kids played she came to my nephews b-day party. I've told her about my ex. She says she's in love with me. After my talk with my ex last night i had to tell my friend that I am still in love with nemoian. I cannot let it go. I am not ready for a relationship. Not only am i still shy of 14 days but i am not ion anyway able to return these feelings that this girls claims. I feel i am ready for this downward part of the ride. Well not exactly ready but.... waiting for it. the liquor cabinet has never looked so good. I just got my 1022$ tax return check and you know the first thing i did was call the only person in the area that i know of that gets high and asked her for a hook up. fortunatly it was a no go. I am over that but if i drink i know i will be hounding the connect. The other thing i am going through right now, besides early recovery is I have met a girl on line that i think the world of. She is smart, funny, clean and so hotttt!!!!! Biggest three problems is i am still in love. Have this girl who thinks she loves me and the one that I think could possibly be my soul mate lives across the country. I think I am going to call off this new relationship with my ex class mate. I will only hurt her. I am sooooooo not ready for the level of commitment she wants. I am liable to run her through an emotional gauntlet. Think i should put all my energy into my recovery. Well i have reambled for far too long.

day 6 again

2008-04-28T23:48:23Z

This time I feel much better about being clean n sober. I do not feel the need to get loaded. I am not depressed. For the first time in 6 months I am not severly depressed. I am not particularly happy either. I think I am content. WTF? Oh well I guess I have reached a place I did not think was possible. Even though I know it is temporary it at least lets me know that it is attainable. well don't want to waste my new found peace on the pc. Want to thank everyone that has been making it possible for me to be here today......

4-26-08

2008-04-26T15:37:26Z

AWOKE WITH DREAD. HAD A VERY VIVID DREAM. DID NOT LIKE IT. THANKFUL IT WAS ONLY A DREAM. CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP ONCE AGAIN LAST NIGHT. HAD A FIT OF DEPRESSION AGAN THIS MORNING. MY SLEEP IS UNRESTUL. I CNNOT SLEEP MORE THAN 5 HOURS. PAIN IS SO GREAT THAT I CRY OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WAKING THOSE WHO HAVE NO TROUBLE SLEEPING. TRYING TO BE OK WITH MYSELF, WITH MY LIFE AND WHERE MY PLCE IS IN THE BIGGER PICTURE. I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, IT'S SAD THAT I DO NOT LOVE MYSELF. OBJECTIVELY I KNOW THAT LIFE GOES ON, AND THEY WILL GET OVER IT. EMOTIONALLY I AM WASTED. SPIRITUALLY MY SOUL IS VOID OF ALL HOPE. I AM TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT? I HAVE BEEN FAKING IT MY WHOLE LIFE. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE FROM BUMPER STICKER CLICHES AND SLOGANS. ONE DAY AT A TIME, THIS TOO SHALL PASS, EASY DOES,...BUT DO IT, LET GO LET GOD, LIKE HELL. I FEEL WESLY IN PRINCESS DIARIES, WHEN HE IS CAPTURED BY THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS. EVERY NIGHT HE IS TOLD THAT IT COULD BE HIS LAST. "FOR I MAY KILL YOU TOMORROW" THAT IS THE ETERNAL DIALOG THAT GOES ON IN MY HEAD EACH AND EVERY DAY, IT'S THE SAME AT THE NIGHT. TODAY MAY BE MY LAST. TONIGHT I MAY CHANGE MY MIND. I CANNOT TAKE THESE ENDLESS TEARFUL ATTACKS ANYMORE. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. WTF EVER. "HUMANS HAVE SUCH A NACK AT POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS." HITCH HICKERS GUID TO THE GALAXY. GREAT BOOK TEPID MOVIE. WELL TIME TO GO BACK TO MY FANTASIE WORLD WHERE I CAN BE SOME ONE I LIKE AND RESPECT FOR AWHILE.....

jonnynotsogood @ 2008-04-25T23:20:00

2008-04-26T06:26:48Z

Am so sad. So down. How can a state of depression last so fucking long? I cannot get out of this funk. I cannot see any light at the end of this dark tunnel. I wish.... I had some way of feeling better. I have been this sad for months now. I have short periods, as in minutes or hours where I at least do not feel like breaking down in sobs. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I wish there was something I could about this. When I went back to meetings after my last relaps I just did not feel IT. I remember listening to people talk about this very thing in meetings and thinking to myself, "fucking who cares this is what is going to save your life." I now understand what they ment. Fuck it maybe I'll make it through another long and lonly night. I just wish I had someone to talk to. Anyone. Wilson is not talking to me today. He actually is being an asshole and won't listen either.

i need a meeting

2008-04-18T16:59:48Z

please I need a meeting bad I am 7 days clean and sober again. help

dread

2008-04-18T16:45:05Z

day seven
        I awoke with dread again this morning. There are a couple of reasons i can think of.

#1.   Today it is the seventh day without drinkin or using. I have the shakes pretty bad.
#2.    it is my lov es birthday. She has stopped all communication with me. It is prolly for the best. But it hurts more than anything. She was my best friend for over 4 yrs. I feel like I have lost my two best friends in a week. Drinking and the reality that I have lost her. It probably more of a co-dependant thing I have with her but....... it still hurts like hell.
#3.    I really really just wanna get bombed so i can just let lose. I wanna let out some RAGE. I fear if I keep it in i will turn the rage on to myself.... I am doing my best not to drink cos no matter what i think now i know i do not want to face the consequences of a drunken rage. I am not big, or bad, but when I get drunk in this state of mind I am mean ande that makes me dangerious. to myself and those who come into contact with me.

                                                    if there is anyone there I need to hear from please i am alone and scared to death

Day 6

2008-04-17T20:04:43Z

Holy crap it's the 6th day sober. This is amazing. Especially considering the fact that there are many many bottles of wine in the house. Not to mention the full liquor cabinet. If I said I don't think about it more than a few times a day i would be a liar. The fact is even if it were not here, I would get it if that is what i wanted. Today for now I wanna stay sober..

Nemoian left with my heart and soul

2008-04-16T19:16:23Z

Nemoian
Current mood: rejected
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Nemoian is a God. Never be fooled by false gods. If you ever have the chance to know her, then you will know what i mean. If you betray her you will know what true emptiness is. When She leaves, there is a huge void that is not easily filled. When she is near, you can feel an energy that is rivaled by none. I speak from the heart when I say she is the most special and wounderful soul in the universe. I forever will be greatful for the time I had with her, only regreting that I pushed her away, as if she were a mere mortal that is easily replaced. Ther is none on this planet that can ever replace this amazing individual. So please if you ever have a chance to share in her life, even if just for a fleeting moment, cherrish it and do not be a fool. Love her with all you have, Love Her for all she is, for if you do not you too will be left empty. For you Nemoian, are worth much more than I or most people can ever give.

psych ward???

2008-04-14T18:16:48Z

think i have lost it. my thoughts were hazy and confusing i wasn't sure about much. Now I am sure. If I do not get help soon then it will be to late. Why do ppl ask, "how are you?" they don't gove a fuck. I really would like just once to go into how I feel to a total stranger while looking into their face as i do.
"How's it goin?"simpleton would ask.

"Well fuckface if you really would like to know you had better clear any plans you had for the day. Oh and if I start getting a little animated please do not be frightened." I mean it never ceases to amaze me how someone could actually think they could care.I mean get to know me. You won't like me no one does. Shit I don't even like me.
running out of time here om the pubic comp. so maby I"ll check back in later.

wtf?

2008-04-13T22:38:25Z

Still suckin air. Not to happy about it. Oh well here goes another day, closer to that magical place in the sky. Cannot come to the realization that I am who I am, and I am what I am. I have been a dissapointment to everyone i have ever come into contact with. What's one more dissapointment? I mean years and years of letting thoes around me down has got to stop. What's one last dissapointment? there will no more after this, how could there be. Now will I leave this earth for the unknown? Probably not. I am too afraid of what is next. What a terrible way to live. Staying alive just because I do not want to die. It would be one thing if i had a reason to live. I don't. Simply want to fade away.

48 hours

2008-04-10T17:33:34Z

What a difference a couple of days make. Tuesday mornig I woke with dread. I felt hopeless, helpless and defeated. Rather than admitting my powerlessness, and practicing the steps I decided to get blasted. the plan was simple. Drink as much as I could as fast as i could. Chase my drinks with pills and my pills with drinks. This worked. I got into my wrecked car and proceeded to drive 20 miles to get to a bar, after I had already finished half a pint of rum 151. sat at the bar from 10 am till it closed. Amazingly I did not blackout. Amazingly I did not die. Of course that was my plan. I had planned to drive till I got pulled over then I was either going to crash or fight the cops hopefully inducing suicide by cop. FUCK IT.
this is the rediculass part.... I was saved by an Angel. Maby my obsessive nature took over ,DUH, but I was faced with this girl who started asking questions that I did not want answers to. "How are you doing?," She asked? Told her that unless she, "Wanted to hear a grown man whine moan complain and sob then she had better ask a different quesion. My philosiphy is don't fucking ask me that unless you actually care." I did my best to send this pretty young thing on her way. yet every time I tried to get her to leave me to my destruction there she was. I thank everyone who has been in my life. Especially this nameless Angel who made me see that life, nno matter how it seems, is going to go on with or without me.
I am still fucked up and have no business trying to find fullfilment in a woman. I need to find it in myself with God. It is just that She gave a little self-esteem, some of my confidence back. Maby I can get out of my head long enough to make some positive steps. well there is a meeting starting soon. Gotta go.

today, yesterday and tomorrow

2008-04-08T16:31:12Z

I awoke today...
felt as if I were still dreaming. Should have been dead. I guess my tolerance to the pain killers is much higher than I thought. Talked to LORA sunday. It went well. My son and Her talked for an hour or so on the phone. It was good. I talked for a while with her also. It FELT good. She had "company" show up so I said I should prolly go. She agreed. "But I really don't want to hang up," I pleaded. In the softest, sweetest and most sincer voice she simply said, "tomorrow is a new day."
My heart was sad but hopes were high. I went to bed that night and felt peaceful. I drifted off to paradise. She was there, so lovely, so warm and welcoming, I floated into her arms, floated with her off to somewhere in time befor our love was tainted. Befor I brought the scourge of the devil into our live, our house and into my heart. Drifted away.

       I woke with pain in my heart. Tears stung my eyes befor I could even open them to the reality of the world to which I awoke. That moment of realisation, my heart sank so fast I got sick, Tears, sobs and vomit. My reality. Immedatly I went to my only friend. The only one still here. Here for me to KILL THE PAIN!!!! The trade off is great. To imprison my pain I must also imprison my soul, imprison my dreams, imprision my chance of moving on this I know. I just cannot muster the strength it takes to face reality as it is. I simply want to drift off into a deep and eternal sleep. So deep and eternal, to paradise. Yet I know what will happen.
      The DEVIL has had me for so long he wont let me simply drift into a peaceful dream. No he will be there every step reminding me of what I lost, of what I destroyed of her life without me. How great it must be for her. Don't get me wrong I love her so deeply, so completely so eternally that I am happy she is happy, Just that I cannot move on. I cannot be stuck here either. This is not what life is supposed to be. it has been 5 months since she left, There is still not a day that I do not cry over this void that is slowly encompassing my everything.
                                                                    So I'll Go on. Trying to simply to make it one more day. I am told it will get better.
                                                                                     not so sure of that. It has been a while without hope
                                                                                                          been a while without laughter
                                                                                                                   without happiness
                                                                                                                        without faith
                                                                                                                          without her
                                                                                                                             I die

jonnynotsogood @ 2008-04-07T10:53:00

2008-04-07T17:53:16Z

Describe your different personas.

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I am truely a bi-polar mess. I am the favorite uncle to all my neices and nephews. my fsmily tells me I am intelligent, funny and an all around good guy. I know I can be these things. The problem is I have a dark side. One minute I'll be laughing and joking the next I'm suicidal, ragefull, reaedy to tear down anything that is good and wholesome. I know there is a God and I am not it, yet sometimes I feel as though I have a direct connection to the divine. I am inspired, by what I do not know. Angel or demon? Friend or foe? I spend much of my time just trying to silence these voices. This is my torment. My torture. The evil ones have made me promises they never intended to keep. The good ones simply make me live in regret for my past transgretions, caused mainly by listening to the demons that plauge me. I am looking for a savior. Iam lost. In the words of Ozzy, "So many religions but only one God."

Writer's Block: My Secret Identity

2008-04-07T17:41:02Z

Describe your different personas.

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I love Lora M. Pawley

2008-04-06T17:49:57Z

I am in love with Lora. I cannot get over the reality that I lost the best thing that ever has happened to me. The sad truth is I drove her away with my actions. See I am an addict. I had met her in N.A. we had a relationship for 4 yrs. @and a half of those were clean. I decided to use, she decided to follow me down this self destructive path.I knew what I was doing could possibly kill me. I was to selfcentered to even think what it would do to us. After a while she wanted me back. I did too. I just couldn't stop. I chose my chemical romance over the most beautiful person I have ever known. Her beauity is complete. Inside and out. I know know that I probably never even deserved to have the chance to be with her let alone the 4 yrs I had. regret is forever. I will forever regret that I lost every bit of humanity that made her fall for me in the first place. I once thrived with life, love and hope. Now I merely exist. My existance is..... Pointless.